I did good!

Hi there!

Last week something massive happened... I actually did a lot of small tasks (afterwords it made me feel like I took on the world. Yes, it was that exhausting!) But that wasn't the special part of the day. I was having a conversation with my boyfriend about my day... Telling him all the things I had done. And at a certain point I told him: I did good today! 

Then it happened: I stopped walking (I was going upstairs at that moment to put away some laundry) and I realized that I actually gave MYSELF a compliment... The proud that came over me was a feeling I hadn't felt in a really long time.

In fact it is really hard to explain sometimes how you can't feel anything...

I guess that I was scared of feeling TOO much you know. 

My therapist told me that in a crisis people can act in 3 ways: some start feeling (like a lot!), others will start overthinking everything and then you have the ones like me who will keep doing stuff, just so they don't have to feel anything or think about what happened.

So that's what I did... I shut down my emotion... Went into this zombie-state-of-mind.. Sort of an auto-pilot 😏 Maybe it wasn't a good thing to do.. But for me it was a way to protect myself... A survival act... 

And now here I am!

Trying to get rid of the autopilot! Not as easy as it sounds. I am a doer. I keep on doing things, acting, handling... I kinda lost myself in the run... So I really am taking small babysteps.

One of those steps I took is starting to practice Yoga. And due to a special person I met down this road (she is a coach who specializes in Moms who feel (a bit) out of balance) I got intrigued by the Kundalini Yoga. It has been pretty intens, but I am a lot calmer after a session. I can really feel the energy at that moment. 

Another step is trying to surround me with the people who GIVE me energy and not those who drain the energy out of me. I guess that is also setting some bounderies for myself. 
That is also a though one: setting bounderies, drawning the line, making decisions.
Now these days I try to ask myself this question: 'Does it help me forward? Will it give me energy?' If the answer is NO, I draw the line. 

Love Yourself! Nobody can take that away from You, it's a gift You give Yourself.
And You deserve it!

-Me-

Stop pretending... Trow of the mask... And ACCEPT what is...

Hi!

It's been a few months since I've posted something...  Somedays, some weeks I just didn't feel like writing it off... I actually didn't want to feel anything and sometimes I just can't feel anything but pain, sorrow and frustration...

Yes, I've have been doing a lot of things to keep busy.

Going to the yoga, visiting a therapist once a week, walking in the forest, picking flowers, cleaning up the house, meeting up with friends, spending time with my kids and my boyfriend...

Months past by like it was nothing... Time seems surreal...


And it's time for me to be honest with myself, more then anything... Because it's the only way I can turn the frustration into another emotion..

For months I've been disappointed in myself, 'cause things aren't going as I thought they would go.
I thought I would be feeling better by now. Ready to go to work, to be a fulltime mom again, to be a friend, to be a girlfriend, to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders again...

Boy, as I write that all down, how much can you expect of yourself? How many rolls do I want to be able to forfill? Like I am Wonderwoman... :)

I need to take a step back and start from scratch... See who is underneath all those expectations..
Who am I? What do I really want?

At this point I can't keep up to all those expectations. Not only mentally, but also physical my body doesn't want to coöperate yet. ( Last week we visited a shop and after 1 hour I was exhausted, like really-in-need-of-hours-of-sleep-exhausted) It's like my body still can't handle the daily stuff, that are so easy to do otherwise.

I've been seeing this as a battle with myself for months now. Earlier this week a wise friend asked me: Does it has to be a battle? Can't you just feel like crap some days?

No, it doesn't have to be, but that doesn't change the fact that it actually feels like a fight... And of course we all have shitty days... But it's more than just some shitty days... It's getting stuck inside your mind... It's feeling hollow inside... It's not being able to see beyond the horizon... You get lost in the grey zone... So it is kind of a battle... Kind of a fight... And I am always had this warrior in me... And maybe that's what I need to do first... I need to accept the situation...

Yes, I have a depression. No, I'm not feeling OK and I'm not healing as fast as I want to.
But it is what it is for now.