It's been a few months since I've posted something... Somedays, some weeks I just didn't feel like writing it off... I actually didn't want to feel anything and sometimes I just can't feel anything but pain, sorrow and frustration...
Yes, I've have been doing a lot of things to keep busy.
Going to the yoga, visiting a therapist once a week, walking in the forest, picking flowers, cleaning up the house, meeting up with friends, spending time with my kids and my boyfriend...
Months past by like it was nothing... Time seems surreal...
And it's time for me to be honest with myself, more then anything... Because it's the only way I can turn the frustration into another emotion..
For months I've been disappointed in myself, 'cause things aren't going as I thought they would go.
I thought I would be feeling better by now. Ready to go to work, to be a fulltime mom again, to be a friend, to be a girlfriend, to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders again...
Boy, as I write that all down, how much can you expect of yourself? How many rolls do I want to be able to forfill? Like I am Wonderwoman... :)
I need to take a step back and start from scratch... See who is underneath all those expectations..
Who am I? What do I really want?
At this point I can't keep up to all those expectations. Not only mentally, but also physical my body doesn't want to coöperate yet. ( Last week we visited a shop and after 1 hour I was exhausted, like really-in-need-of-hours-of-sleep-exhausted) It's like my body still can't handle the daily stuff, that are so easy to do otherwise.
I've been seeing this as a battle with myself for months now. Earlier this week a wise friend asked me: Does it has to be a battle? Can't you just feel like crap some days?
No, it doesn't have to be, but that doesn't change the fact that it actually feels like a fight... And of course we all have shitty days... But it's more than just some shitty days... It's getting stuck inside your mind... It's feeling hollow inside... It's not being able to see beyond the horizon... You get lost in the grey zone... So it is kind of a battle... Kind of a fight... And I am always had this warrior in me... And maybe that's what I need to do first... I need to accept the situation...
Yes, I have a depression. No, I'm not feeling OK and I'm not healing as fast as I want to.
But it is what it is for now.
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